X Marks the spot, whether I want it to or not.

Question: Why is it that my ex boyfriends know how to magically appear in my life after I am over them?

Answer: Don’t blame this on us. This thing happens to the guys, too. Only for us, it’s a bit different. We never run into our exes unless we’re single and they’re in a relationship looking hotter and happier than ever than she ever was with us, and with their replacement dick(I mean boyfriend) on their arm. And then they have the nerve to want to “catch up” and by “catch up,” I mean “stab us in the genitalia with a butter knife and then turn it counter clock wise while (poorly) singing their favorite chick song (you know, the one you love and your man hates, but you make it listen to him because if he doesn’t, he isn’t getting laid).”

I don’t know if I believe in God or an all powerful, all knowing universe, as described in “The Secret,” but if there is, it has a sick sense of humor, the kind of dark, bitter jaded yet humorous take on life that makes Sam Kinnison, Lenny Bruce and Bill Hicks look lighthearted. The fact is, this just happens. It happens to all of us. So while some of your ex’s may be reappearing to hurt your feelings, (or more accurately see if they can still hit it), there’s probably nothing malicious behind it. Maybe, they’re doing the “LJBF” thing back at you, as a way of paying women back for all the times that they used that bullshit line on us(see my previous blogs for a detailed description of that), or maybe this is one of those rare breakups, where there were no villains, no ill will, no “drama” that caused it to end.

Maybe he just wasn’t feeling it, you know? Women bad mouth men constantly, saying that all we care about is pussy. That’s not true. We also care about beer. And football. And the abolishment of the designated hitter rule.
Ways to avoid the ex you don’t want to run into:

1. Look good always. Somehow, exes have a secret sixth sense that tells them when you decided to wear ratty sweatpants and flip flops while you dragged your bed head ridden ass to vons for some pepo bismal after an all night bender. Be dressed to kill at all times, and you’ll never see them again
2. Expect it to happen. If you’re prepared to meet your ex out and about, it won’t happen, period. Keep them in your mind at all times, The way to do this is by painfully reliving each and every moment of your relationship, with special emphaisis on all the good times you had together(that are now gone forever), and the way that they fucked you over in the break up.
3. Stay away from your “happy couple hangout spots.” You should have negotiated ownership of each individual spot during the breakup, and if you didn’t, ownership rights revert back to the person whose hang out it was first. But just because that’s the rule, doesn’t mean the person will actually follow it. They may actually have the nerve to bring their new lovers to YOUR favorite places as a way of showing off to their new lover, and by showing off to their new lover, I mean fucking with you. So go away.
4. Call him constantly. Tell him/her that you need them, can’t live without them, and my favorite are carrying their child. It’s a bit extreme, but this way the only way you’ll run into contact with your ex is in court, when they’re filing for a restraining order.
5. Threaten to post a sex tape online. These days cameras are so small, that you could easily have covered your bedroom in hidden cameras and then done the deed with your now former lover on film. It’s equally as easy to find some sleazy pervert(I.E. an editor) to assemble the footage for you and out put it to a quicktime or windows media file that is easily spread across the internet. The great part is, you won’t even have to do the work. You post it once, other people do the rest. (I’m not saying I know from a friends experience, I’m saying it because I’ve done it myself. Fuck you, Samantha!) Posting it can be a quick an easy form of revenge, but just threatening it will send your ex running into the hills.
6. Commit a felony. Prison visiting hours are restrictive, and your ex is really not going to put the effort into visiting no matter how much they want to rub their new relationship in your face.
7. Get the fuck over it. Truly move on and you’ll be guaranteed to never see them again.

Bottom line is this: you can never control this kind of thing. Whether or not you see the ex is up to fate. What you can control is how you handle it. The old adage is true: never let them see you sweat. No matter how it makes you feel to see them you must act as if you don’t care. Mispronounce their name or call them a different one, for example. Then go home and lose it if you have to. But don’t give them the satisfaction of seeing you affected. If you do, the terrorists win.

I got yer law of attraction...right here!

Q. My guy friend(not in that way), is frustrated about his lack of dating prospects. I’ve tried introducing him to the “law of attraction.” I told him if he just asks the universe for it, the right girl will come to him, without any chasing on his part. He thinks it’s bull shit. Why is that?

A. Cause it is. Kidding. It’s not for me to tell you how to think and feel about things(that’s what government and religion are for), but what I can do is tell you why I think your friend feels that statement is bullshit.

For those who don’t know, “the law of attraction” is defined by wikipedia as:

“The phrase Law of Attraction has been used by many esoteric writers, although the actual definition varies greatly. Most authors associate the Law of Attraction with the saying, "like attracts like", usually as applied to the mental life of human beings: that a person's thoughts (conscious and unconscious), emotions, beliefs and actions attract corresponding positive or negative experiences. This process has been described as "harmonious vibrations of the law of attraction",[1] or "you get what you think about; your thoughts determine your experience."

Now, that I’ve explained that, here’s why I think he feels that way: to him the “law of attraction’s” idea that whatever you want will be magically attracted to you doesn’t apply to the laws of dating. Why? Because he’s probably never been asked out by a girl, probably doesn’t even know of anyone who has been. It’s rarely. It really doesn’t happen much. The basic law of nature when it comes to sex is that men chase, women choose.

So, you’re probably saying “but it works for me!” That may be true, but remember, you are a girl. It’s a man’s world, except when it comes to sex. This is an area where women have absolute control. You can get whatever you want, whenever you want it, because that’s the way it is. The world is your sexual oyster. You have thousands of opportunities to get anything you want from a 3 way to a vayjay, to you name it. You just walk into a bar, and wait. Or you can open an online dating profile and watch the submissions flood in.

That kind of options gives you the power. The power in this case, to wait until what you want comes along, or to have your definition of fun while you wait for it. This does not happen to guys. It’s the old adage, “sex for women is a choice, for men it’s a chore.” We have to work to get what we want, It doesn’t just come to us. If a guy goes to a bar and sits and sips his drink, waiting to be picked up, he’s guaranteed to be going home alone. Period.

Does that mean your approach can’t work for him? No, it doesn’t. But the “law of attraction” is a radically different approach that he is used to. Not everyone can A) admit that they are wrong and B) embrace concepts that are the antithesis of the foundation that is their core belief system.

Simply put, It’s going to be hard for him to wrap his head around it, even if he wants to, and frankly, he may not ever full embrace the concept, even if his current approach isn’t working. It’s also important to note that what works for the goose isn’t always good for the gander, so it simply may not be something he’s into, at least for now. I applaud you for trying to help him. Maybe, if you feel like this is something that will work for him, lay off the subject for a while, then gently reintroduce it over time. Or just shut the fuck up and mind your own God Damn business. Kidding. You know I love you! Have you lost weight? Cause it totally looks like you have.

Round hole and the square peg....

Question: My boyfriend wants me to peg him(put on a strap on and have anal sex with him). Is this weird? Does this make him gay?

Answer: It might be weird to you, but it definitely, in my opinion, does not mean he’s gay. To me, ANY sex act that occurs between two people of different genders is heterosexual, even pegging. Seem weird? Ask yourself this: If my guy wanted to do me in the butt, would that make him gay? No, no it wouldn’t. So you having anal sex with him, while maybe not a common request, isn’t any less of a heterosexual sex act than if the roles were reversed(no pun intended)

So, the real question in your mind probably is not whether or not it’s gay, but rather “it makes me unconformable, what do I do?” Well, you have two choices. You can either do it, or not. It’s that simple. You shouldn’t feel any kind of pressure to do it, nor should he feel bad about wanting you to. Sex acts are kind of like vegetables. Some are loved by lots of people, such as carrots, celery or edamame, or very few people, such as Brussels sprouts. If you’re into Brussels sprouts and you can’t live without it in your life, you need to find someone who’s willing to give you Brussels sprouts on a regular basis. People who are into celery aren’t going to. So now that I’ve ruined the produce section for you, you and your partner have some discussing to do. Dig?