Question: Why is it that my ex boyfriends know how to magically appear in my life after I am over them?
Answer: Don’t blame this on us. This thing happens to the guys, too. Only for us, it’s a bit different. We never run into our exes unless we’re single and they’re in a relationship looking hotter and happier than ever than she ever was with us, and with their replacement dick(I mean boyfriend) on their arm. And then they have the nerve to want to “catch up” and by “catch up,” I mean “stab us in the genitalia with a butter knife and then turn it counter clock wise while (poorly) singing their favorite chick song (you know, the one you love and your man hates, but you make it listen to him because if he doesn’t, he isn’t getting laid).”
I don’t know if I believe in God or an all powerful, all knowing universe, as described in “The Secret,” but if there is, it has a sick sense of humor, the kind of dark, bitter jaded yet humorous take on life that makes Sam Kinnison, Lenny Bruce and Bill Hicks look lighthearted. The fact is, this just happens. It happens to all of us. So while some of your ex’s may be reappearing to hurt your feelings, (or more accurately see if they can still hit it), there’s probably nothing malicious behind it. Maybe, they’re doing the “LJBF” thing back at you, as a way of paying women back for all the times that they used that bullshit line on us(see my previous blogs for a detailed description of that), or maybe this is one of those rare breakups, where there were no villains, no ill will, no “drama” that caused it to end.
Maybe he just wasn’t feeling it, you know? Women bad mouth men constantly, saying that all we care about is pussy. That’s not true. We also care about beer. And football. And the abolishment of the designated hitter rule.
Ways to avoid the ex you don’t want to run into:
1. Look good always. Somehow, exes have a secret sixth sense that tells them when you decided to wear ratty sweatpants and flip flops while you dragged your bed head ridden ass to vons for some pepo bismal after an all night bender. Be dressed to kill at all times, and you’ll never see them again
2. Expect it to happen. If you’re prepared to meet your ex out and about, it won’t happen, period. Keep them in your mind at all times, The way to do this is by painfully reliving each and every moment of your relationship, with special emphaisis on all the good times you had together(that are now gone forever), and the way that they fucked you over in the break up.
3. Stay away from your “happy couple hangout spots.” You should have negotiated ownership of each individual spot during the breakup, and if you didn’t, ownership rights revert back to the person whose hang out it was first. But just because that’s the rule, doesn’t mean the person will actually follow it. They may actually have the nerve to bring their new lovers to YOUR favorite places as a way of showing off to their new lover, and by showing off to their new lover, I mean fucking with you. So go away.
4. Call him constantly. Tell him/her that you need them, can’t live without them, and my favorite are carrying their child. It’s a bit extreme, but this way the only way you’ll run into contact with your ex is in court, when they’re filing for a restraining order.
5. Threaten to post a sex tape online. These days cameras are so small, that you could easily have covered your bedroom in hidden cameras and then done the deed with your now former lover on film. It’s equally as easy to find some sleazy pervert(I.E. an editor) to assemble the footage for you and out put it to a quicktime or windows media file that is easily spread across the internet. The great part is, you won’t even have to do the work. You post it once, other people do the rest. (I’m not saying I know from a friends experience, I’m saying it because I’ve done it myself. Fuck you, Samantha!) Posting it can be a quick an easy form of revenge, but just threatening it will send your ex running into the hills.
6. Commit a felony. Prison visiting hours are restrictive, and your ex is really not going to put the effort into visiting no matter how much they want to rub their new relationship in your face.
7. Get the fuck over it. Truly move on and you’ll be guaranteed to never see them again.
Bottom line is this: you can never control this kind of thing. Whether or not you see the ex is up to fate. What you can control is how you handle it. The old adage is true: never let them see you sweat. No matter how it makes you feel to see them you must act as if you don’t care. Mispronounce their name or call them a different one, for example. Then go home and lose it if you have to. But don’t give them the satisfaction of seeing you affected. If you do, the terrorists win.
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