Communication gap

Dear Tazz,

Why don’t men communicate? I can’t seem to get my boyfriend to open up about anything. Don’t men talk about their feelings?

Signed,

Frustrated.



Dear Frustrated,

I understand your frustration, and I’m here to help. Is it un reasonable to expect your man to bear his soul to you? No. Do men have feelings, dreams, hopes, desires, etc? Yes. Do they talk about them? Yes. See? That’s the good news. We just don’t do it as often or as well as you do. That’s the bad news.

But why is that? Well, it’s not that simple, but here are a few reasons.

REASON 1) We are designed that way.

In the book “Sex on the Brain” the author , Dr. Amen, M.D. discusses this issue at length and the answer comes down to the way our brains are built. Two thirds of a man’s brain is devoted to the “left” brain. It is the side of the brain that deals with things like logic, reason, hunting, gathering, etc. The other third is the “right” brain, the side that deals with emotions, communicating, etc. While we do talk, cry, convey our feelings, etc, we are ruled by our left brain which deals with logic, cold hard facts and the hunting/gathering/providing we have been tasked with since the beginning of time.

The female brain is the exact opposite. The emotional, nurturing, communicative “right” side of the brain occupies two thirds of her cranial real estate, while the logical, “left” side of the brain occupies the other third. This means that women are designed to talk, emote and communicate in a way that men are simply not, thus proving that God has a sick sense of humor

Reason 2) We’re not in game shape.

Think about it this way. If you start working out today, are you going to be in swimsuit shape tomorrow? No. You’re not (PS. I don’t think you look fat. You totally look hot in that outfit.) It takes work to build the body you want.

The same is true here. Women aren’t born knowing how to use their innate communication abilities. They have to work at it, same as guys, but unlike guys, ladies have been flexing and training this muscle for YEARS, and by the time the an adult woman finds a guy and settles down with her, she’s ready for the world series of communicating that is a relationship.

Men, however, don’t really start communicating until they get into relationships. Why? There’s no need to, really. We don’t have to communicate with each other in the way you do. Let’s say a guy went out on a date with a woman. A conversation might go like this:

Man 1: How was the date?
Man 2: Fine
Man 1: Did you get some?
Man 2: Yup.
They high five.
Man 1: Let’s go shoot some hoops/watch the game/drink beer/whatever.
End of conversation.

See? We talk about things, we just don’t dissect them, like you do. So when you want to start talking about our feelings, don’t get frustrated if you don’t get a great, long winded oration in response. We’re simply trying to flex a muscle that has been ignored or underused, and expecting your man to perform on the same level as you is like expecting Steve Erkel challenge a bodybuilder to an arm wrestling contest and win . It will take time for us to get to your level on this issue. Be patient. And encouraging.

Reason 3) We don’t want you telling anyone else.

If Sex and the City taught me anything, it’s that women tell their girlfriends EVERYTHING. A woman’s girlfriends know everything about her and if she has a man in her life, they know everything about him too, good and bad. This means EVERYTHING. This is really terrifying to the most secure of guys, even though most women mean no harm when they dish with the girls.

Why? Most men have what I call “the Godfather mentality” meaning we’re all about one thing and one thing only. RESPECT. That means many things, not the least of which is:

YOU DON’T RAT OUT YOUR FRIENDS. PERIOD. NO EXECPTIONS.

When we tell someone one of our deepest darkest secrets, we do so with the understanding that the person listening to said information will take it to the grave. The idea that you would tell your girlfriends that which was said in confidence to you is, in our minds a huge betrayal, and that’s something we just can’t stand. In our minds, if you loved us, you wouldn’t do that. Don’t try explaining, for in the mind of a man, everything is clear cut right or wrong, and to us, this is always wrong. We’re not willing to change our position on the issue any more than you are willing to withhold the goods from your girls. Just be aware how we feel and know you can win major points with a man when you say “I won’t tell the girls that” or “this will stay just between us, no matter what” and you may get him comfortable enough to open up even more. We know you and the girls are a package deal. Just know if we knew how much you told the girls, we’d probably bolt.

Why don’t we? This is one of the practical applications of the word denial. We simply don’t know or refuse to believe the truth. If we did, abstinence rates would go through the roof(either than or homosexuality among men would, lol).

I hope these insight helps you, Miss Frustrated. Your man is capable of it. Just be patient. The average man speaks 7,000 words a day. The average woman speaks 20,000 a day! So it’s going to take a while. You’re going to have to be okay with the role of sensei on this one. It won’t happen overnight. And be sure to offer praise and encouragement. After all, if he’s willing to try and re-wire his brain to make you happy, he’s gotta be a keeper, right?

The head of the class...

Dear Tazz,

See - once upon a time, I didn't like giving blowjobs for personal
reasons. I have gotten over my hangups but just haven't had occasion
to use my talents in recent years. So I would like to know some do's and don'ts
about handling a man's cock in my mouth...

Signed,

M.

_____

Dear M,

Relax. It's going to be okay. Performing oral on a man, is quite easy, really. And the beauty of it is,
what works on one penis will usually work on them all. So don't worry. Practice makes perfect and your man
will certainly be receptive to your learning process.

What's the first rule of giving head: You have to like doing it. Women make be able to fake orgasms worthy
of Academy Awards, but they can't fake this one. You either like giving head, or you dont' and we know in two seconds.
Seriously. You think you're fooling us, but you're not. And there's nothing worse than getting head from a
woman who doesn't like doing it but does it anyway because she feels she has to. We'd rather you not do it at all,
and make it up to us in other areas than suffer through a unenthusiastic performance on your part. So if you
don't want to do it, don't, and don't let the whining of your boyfriend/fuckbuddy/whoever try and convince you to do otherwise.

So you really want to improve your skils? Here are some tips from a guy's perspective:

 Swallow. that's a huge turn on,
and take every last drop of it. it's easier said that done sometimes,
because some guys can produce alot, and be advised that by swallowing a man's ejaculation,
you are essentially having unprotected sex, and thus are putting yourself at risk for
all the usual bad diseases, so you either want to save this for someone you're in a serious realtionship
with, or not allow him to cum in your mouth, or run to the bathroom and spit it out.

Deep throating is also good. Take it all in, if you can, come back up, lick the head,
stare deep into his eyes as you work his shaft. Many many enjoy a good bit of the ball handling.
What's that? Suck 'em. Suck 'em good. Done right, it can lead to a mind blowing orgasm. Done wrong,
and he make wind up a watercooler story at the local E.R. How to do it you say?

Take the balls in your mouth, one at a time and suck, but gently, they are delicate
and the wrong move can hurt badly. Lick and stroke the taint(the area between the anus and
the scrotum, this is often a highly sensitive and undiscovered area on your man's body,
one that if properly attended to, can easily send him over the edge.

Another note is speed. Women, like it slow and steady, but that's not often the way guys like their head.
And often a high rate of speed is needed when sucking cock or when performing a hand job. Why? Men
often learn about their penises through masturbation, and activity that for guys, is usually done
in a situation where they are at the risk of being discovered, so they often go hard and fast, so as to cum
as soon as possibly, thus avoiding discovery. So take that into consideration. Ask you man to stroke it for you
till he cums and take notes.

Also, suction is good. Many men really love the feeling of a womans lips around them, the wet sensation it creates,
and they may not need any hand job action or fancy porn techniques. Experiment freely and without concern
about the outcome. Just focus on giving your partner sensual pleasure, and getting better each time, and he'll thank you for
it.

Waiting is the hardest part.

Dear Tazz,

When should I sleep with a guy?
Should I wait a certain number of dates, for example?

Signed,

To wait or not to wait?


Dear To Wait?,

When should you sleep with a guy? When you want to. It’s that simple. If it takes you twenty dates or twenty minutes to feel comfortable enough to sleep with him, fine. There’s nothing wrong with taking your time to make sure you want to sleep with a guy, nor is there anything wrong with you meeting a guy at a club and getting nasty less than an hour later. Just trust your gut and let it happen organically. Just do what feels right to you and don’t worry about the rest. It’s your life and your body and you are entitled to enjoy both on your own terms. Often, women will wait to be intimate with a guy, not because they aren’t ready to sleep with him, but because they are either afraid of being labeled a slut or ho by society or because they have a fixed, number of dates in mind.

First off, there is no such thing as a slut or a ho. They simply do not exist, in either gender. Some people choose to wait till marriage, some only have sex in committed relationships, some only like NSA encounters. None of these attitudes are wrong, despite what our puritanical society may tell you. You have the right to happiness, on your own terms. Decide what you want and live your life on your own terms, but don’t let anyone tell you what that is.

So don’t worry, be happy, and remember be careful out there.