Communication gap

Dear Tazz,

Why don’t men communicate? I can’t seem to get my boyfriend to open up about anything. Don’t men talk about their feelings?

Signed,

Frustrated.



Dear Frustrated,

I understand your frustration, and I’m here to help. Is it un reasonable to expect your man to bear his soul to you? No. Do men have feelings, dreams, hopes, desires, etc? Yes. Do they talk about them? Yes. See? That’s the good news. We just don’t do it as often or as well as you do. That’s the bad news.

But why is that? Well, it’s not that simple, but here are a few reasons.

REASON 1) We are designed that way.

In the book “Sex on the Brain” the author , Dr. Amen, M.D. discusses this issue at length and the answer comes down to the way our brains are built. Two thirds of a man’s brain is devoted to the “left” brain. It is the side of the brain that deals with things like logic, reason, hunting, gathering, etc. The other third is the “right” brain, the side that deals with emotions, communicating, etc. While we do talk, cry, convey our feelings, etc, we are ruled by our left brain which deals with logic, cold hard facts and the hunting/gathering/providing we have been tasked with since the beginning of time.

The female brain is the exact opposite. The emotional, nurturing, communicative “right” side of the brain occupies two thirds of her cranial real estate, while the logical, “left” side of the brain occupies the other third. This means that women are designed to talk, emote and communicate in a way that men are simply not, thus proving that God has a sick sense of humor

Reason 2) We’re not in game shape.

Think about it this way. If you start working out today, are you going to be in swimsuit shape tomorrow? No. You’re not (PS. I don’t think you look fat. You totally look hot in that outfit.) It takes work to build the body you want.

The same is true here. Women aren’t born knowing how to use their innate communication abilities. They have to work at it, same as guys, but unlike guys, ladies have been flexing and training this muscle for YEARS, and by the time the an adult woman finds a guy and settles down with her, she’s ready for the world series of communicating that is a relationship.

Men, however, don’t really start communicating until they get into relationships. Why? There’s no need to, really. We don’t have to communicate with each other in the way you do. Let’s say a guy went out on a date with a woman. A conversation might go like this:

Man 1: How was the date?
Man 2: Fine
Man 1: Did you get some?
Man 2: Yup.
They high five.
Man 1: Let’s go shoot some hoops/watch the game/drink beer/whatever.
End of conversation.

See? We talk about things, we just don’t dissect them, like you do. So when you want to start talking about our feelings, don’t get frustrated if you don’t get a great, long winded oration in response. We’re simply trying to flex a muscle that has been ignored or underused, and expecting your man to perform on the same level as you is like expecting Steve Erkel challenge a bodybuilder to an arm wrestling contest and win . It will take time for us to get to your level on this issue. Be patient. And encouraging.

Reason 3) We don’t want you telling anyone else.

If Sex and the City taught me anything, it’s that women tell their girlfriends EVERYTHING. A woman’s girlfriends know everything about her and if she has a man in her life, they know everything about him too, good and bad. This means EVERYTHING. This is really terrifying to the most secure of guys, even though most women mean no harm when they dish with the girls.

Why? Most men have what I call “the Godfather mentality” meaning we’re all about one thing and one thing only. RESPECT. That means many things, not the least of which is:

YOU DON’T RAT OUT YOUR FRIENDS. PERIOD. NO EXECPTIONS.

When we tell someone one of our deepest darkest secrets, we do so with the understanding that the person listening to said information will take it to the grave. The idea that you would tell your girlfriends that which was said in confidence to you is, in our minds a huge betrayal, and that’s something we just can’t stand. In our minds, if you loved us, you wouldn’t do that. Don’t try explaining, for in the mind of a man, everything is clear cut right or wrong, and to us, this is always wrong. We’re not willing to change our position on the issue any more than you are willing to withhold the goods from your girls. Just be aware how we feel and know you can win major points with a man when you say “I won’t tell the girls that” or “this will stay just between us, no matter what” and you may get him comfortable enough to open up even more. We know you and the girls are a package deal. Just know if we knew how much you told the girls, we’d probably bolt.

Why don’t we? This is one of the practical applications of the word denial. We simply don’t know or refuse to believe the truth. If we did, abstinence rates would go through the roof(either than or homosexuality among men would, lol).

I hope these insight helps you, Miss Frustrated. Your man is capable of it. Just be patient. The average man speaks 7,000 words a day. The average woman speaks 20,000 a day! So it’s going to take a while. You’re going to have to be okay with the role of sensei on this one. It won’t happen overnight. And be sure to offer praise and encouragement. After all, if he’s willing to try and re-wire his brain to make you happy, he’s gotta be a keeper, right?

The head of the class...

Dear Tazz,

See - once upon a time, I didn't like giving blowjobs for personal
reasons. I have gotten over my hangups but just haven't had occasion
to use my talents in recent years. So I would like to know some do's and don'ts
about handling a man's cock in my mouth...

Signed,

M.

_____

Dear M,

Relax. It's going to be okay. Performing oral on a man, is quite easy, really. And the beauty of it is,
what works on one penis will usually work on them all. So don't worry. Practice makes perfect and your man
will certainly be receptive to your learning process.

What's the first rule of giving head: You have to like doing it. Women make be able to fake orgasms worthy
of Academy Awards, but they can't fake this one. You either like giving head, or you dont' and we know in two seconds.
Seriously. You think you're fooling us, but you're not. And there's nothing worse than getting head from a
woman who doesn't like doing it but does it anyway because she feels she has to. We'd rather you not do it at all,
and make it up to us in other areas than suffer through a unenthusiastic performance on your part. So if you
don't want to do it, don't, and don't let the whining of your boyfriend/fuckbuddy/whoever try and convince you to do otherwise.

So you really want to improve your skils? Here are some tips from a guy's perspective:

 Swallow. that's a huge turn on,
and take every last drop of it. it's easier said that done sometimes,
because some guys can produce alot, and be advised that by swallowing a man's ejaculation,
you are essentially having unprotected sex, and thus are putting yourself at risk for
all the usual bad diseases, so you either want to save this for someone you're in a serious realtionship
with, or not allow him to cum in your mouth, or run to the bathroom and spit it out.

Deep throating is also good. Take it all in, if you can, come back up, lick the head,
stare deep into his eyes as you work his shaft. Many many enjoy a good bit of the ball handling.
What's that? Suck 'em. Suck 'em good. Done right, it can lead to a mind blowing orgasm. Done wrong,
and he make wind up a watercooler story at the local E.R. How to do it you say?

Take the balls in your mouth, one at a time and suck, but gently, they are delicate
and the wrong move can hurt badly. Lick and stroke the taint(the area between the anus and
the scrotum, this is often a highly sensitive and undiscovered area on your man's body,
one that if properly attended to, can easily send him over the edge.

Another note is speed. Women, like it slow and steady, but that's not often the way guys like their head.
And often a high rate of speed is needed when sucking cock or when performing a hand job. Why? Men
often learn about their penises through masturbation, and activity that for guys, is usually done
in a situation where they are at the risk of being discovered, so they often go hard and fast, so as to cum
as soon as possibly, thus avoiding discovery. So take that into consideration. Ask you man to stroke it for you
till he cums and take notes.

Also, suction is good. Many men really love the feeling of a womans lips around them, the wet sensation it creates,
and they may not need any hand job action or fancy porn techniques. Experiment freely and without concern
about the outcome. Just focus on giving your partner sensual pleasure, and getting better each time, and he'll thank you for
it.

Waiting is the hardest part.

Dear Tazz,

When should I sleep with a guy?
Should I wait a certain number of dates, for example?

Signed,

To wait or not to wait?


Dear To Wait?,

When should you sleep with a guy? When you want to. It’s that simple. If it takes you twenty dates or twenty minutes to feel comfortable enough to sleep with him, fine. There’s nothing wrong with taking your time to make sure you want to sleep with a guy, nor is there anything wrong with you meeting a guy at a club and getting nasty less than an hour later. Just trust your gut and let it happen organically. Just do what feels right to you and don’t worry about the rest. It’s your life and your body and you are entitled to enjoy both on your own terms. Often, women will wait to be intimate with a guy, not because they aren’t ready to sleep with him, but because they are either afraid of being labeled a slut or ho by society or because they have a fixed, number of dates in mind.

First off, there is no such thing as a slut or a ho. They simply do not exist, in either gender. Some people choose to wait till marriage, some only have sex in committed relationships, some only like NSA encounters. None of these attitudes are wrong, despite what our puritanical society may tell you. You have the right to happiness, on your own terms. Decide what you want and live your life on your own terms, but don’t let anyone tell you what that is.

So don’t worry, be happy, and remember be careful out there.

That's me in the corner.

I've been very fascinated by the response to this column. Most of it has been positive. Most people see it for what it is, entertainment. Sure, there's some insights here about men, and hopefully it's informative. Hopefully, it's seen helpful and you, the reader have enjoyed a few chuckles reading it. I had hoped that this blog would be a positive thing, a way to bridge the gap in understanding between the sexes in a fun way, without all that "Mars and Venus crap.

But not everyone is a fan. Today, I got an email in response to the "rack mounted" post of yesterday.

He said:

"Wow, you really hate women, don't you? This guy is an even bigger jerk than you are!
And I Say That Affectionately."

Now, I don't know how anyone can "affectionately" call you a sexist jerk, but that's a separate issue entirely.

First off, let me address the obvious: I do not hate women. I have had my issues with specific women, as have many men, but that does not mean I have issues with women in general. Are all women bad? Hardly. Meditation teaches us that no one is bad, just the condition that they are afflicted with(anger, attachment, etc). I agree with this. I approach all people with compassion, especially women. Take any woman on the street. She is someone's daughter. She is someone's friend, lover and confidant. She might also be someone's wife and mother. Those are all amazingly wonderful things. When you take that in to account, how could you hate anyone? I can't. I didn't always think this, mind you, but I have a much healthier outlook now, that I did previously.

I think women are amazing creatures. They smell good, and they giggle and they are mysteries that we as men will never fully unravel. That's okay. That's the beauty of it. They have different skills, thoughts, attitudes and outlooks. They fill in our gaps and vice versa. Men are not better than women, they are just different. We are raised and conditioned differently.

What I do hate, though, is Dr. Phil and most of those so called "relationship" experts. Why? Because I feel that their work is incredibly biased. Dr. Phil literally says(In his book "relationship rescue") Men are dumb. We don't get it." That may be true, but it seems incredibly biased to me, to say the very least. Just the thought of it makes my blood pressure rise.

I know I am on to something with this blog. I will not apologize for it, or what I have said. I do not think I should be condemned for it. I said it like it is, and that's brave. There is no fault in that. It isn't intended to win or lose friends, rather, just to be honest about the way guys can feel about things and maybe, just maybe people laugh along the way. That was the mandate with which I created this.

If I have veered from that mandate, then that is a problem. This blog is not intended to be my personal opinion as stated before, and it is intended to have a fun and sarcastic, not hostile tone. If it is coming off like I am stating personal opinions and those opinions are sexist, then I need to make some adjustments. No harm in doing that.

So, let me have it readers! Post a comment, tell me what you think. I'd really like to hear it.

Rack Mounted...

Dear Tazz13_632,


Why are guys always staring at my boobs? I’m dating this guy who I really like, but I keep catching him staring at my chest and it pisses me off. What can I do to get him to look me in the eyes and not the chest?

Signed,

The Guys Have Eyes,

Dear GHE,

First, let me clear up the obvious. Guys don’t stare at boobs. We stare at tits. What’s the difference? Boobs are what you feed the baby with. Tits are what got you knocked up in the first place.

Now that we’ve settled the matter of semantics, let’s get down to brass tacks. How can you get guys to stop staring at your boobs? Stop showing them off! I know, you like to dress sexy, you want to dress to impress, and what’s the harm in a little cleavage? None you say?

Hardly. See, there are consequences to every action. Some intended, some not. If you put the twins on display, we’re going to look. Period. Boobs have a hypnotical appeal to us. It’s not all our fault. They are a circle in a circle and that is a sacred thing in many cultures and religions. They really do have a hypnotic effect on men. Often without us even knowing.

Guys have a sixth sense about this kind of thing. Every guy on earth has been out somewhere, minding his own business, when his head starts turning and he doesn’t even know why! Next thing he knows he’s got an eye full of a woman’s melon patch. It’s not his fault. He didn’t even know she was in the produce section. All he wanted was a bag of salad, and now he’s getting dirty looks from a woman, and rightly so.

Some would say that’s just how men are, and you should either deal with it or put the girls to bed, for good. I disagree. I think men can work on that, if they are both aware that they are doing it, and of the conquences of it. Men are visual yes, and pretty women are everywhere, but if a guy is constantly checking out other women, and he’s in a relationship of any kind, it’s going to cause problems, no matter what. He may love his woman more than anything on Earth. He may and probably is 100% faithful, but where there’s smoke there’s fire, and in this case the smoke may becoming out of your ears when you see your man doing this. And that’s bad. It needs to stop.

How can you get him to stop staring at your rack? Two words: Breast Reduction. Either that or consider dating a leg or ass man. Kidding. Here’s a news flash: TALK TO HIM. Yes, I said it. Sit him down and tell him how you’re feeling. But as I’ve said before, just telling him something is wrong isn’t going to cut it. Men are problem solvers and if you present a man with a problem and not the solution, you’re half assing it and he’s going to get mad at you or frustrated because he won’t know what you want. Men hate it when you assume they know something. So if you want to deal with this constructively, you need to take a three step approach to the issue. The steps, once again are:

1. Tell him what’s wrong
2. Tell him how it makes you feel
3. Tell him what you’d like him to do instead.

An example would be: Honey, I’ve noticed you staring a lot at my chest, while I’m flattered by the attention, it makes me think that you just view me as some inflatable doll or fuck buddy instead of a wife/girlfriend/whatever and I don’t want to be with someone who views/treats/disrespects me that way. I’d like it if you could look me in the eye when we talk/cuddle/screw/whatever.

Think you’re wasting your time? Your man is clueless, you say? Well, maybe, but if so, why are you with him? There are plenty of guys out there who do get it, if this schmuck doesn’t. But you owe it to the both of you to at least try and talk some sense into him.

Don’t just do it for yourself though, do it for his sake, too. Because it may be the wake up call he’s been waiting for. Too many men don’t learn this lesson and wonder why their still single or why their relationships don’t last. Please, take the time. Talk to him. If you don’t, the cycle will just continue, and you owe it to women everywhere to at least try talking to him, don’t you think?

Putting the "Man" in "Manifesto...

I recently mentioned this blog to a girl I've been seeing, and after reading it, she said "Now I know your thoughts on relationships."

Not true.

This blog is not intended to be a personal manifesto. It does not represent my personal feelings on any of the issues I have discussed. I have taken great pains to try and remove any personal bias towards the topic of a given blog. This blog isn't meant to explain why I how I feel. It's meant to explain how men feel, in general, about a given issue. That's it.

I'm just reporting the news. Not creating it.

"Fabulous" taste in men.

Dear Tazz13_632,

I keep dating guys who break up me because they "suddenly" realized that they are gay. Why does this keep happening to me?

Signed,

AbFab.

Dear AbFab,

By the tone of your email, I'm guessing you're a woman looking for love in Los Angeles. Every single woman I know in L.A. Has had this happened to them. It seems like you're not officially an L.A. resident until it's happened to you.

But what if it happens frequently, or even constantly? Well, the first thing to ask yourself is "What's my type?" If you find yourself attracted to metrosexuals, or other vaguely gay types(as one friend of mine put it), then you might want to consider changing your preferences abit, or simply accepting that you may have to kiss alot of gay frogs before you find your straight prince.

Normally, this is where this blog would end. But I happened to mention the topic to a gay friend of mine, and his response to this issue was so shockingly profound, it rendered me speechless, and that doesn't happen often. He said "How bad have these women been hurt? Often, with my straight female friends, the ones that keep dating closeted gay men are the ones that were victims of assault, infidelity or some other horrible thing. They get hurt so badly that they develop a coping mechanism to prevent themselves from ever getting hurt again. So they wind up going out with men that deep down they KNOW are gay, even if they guy himself doesn't know yet, so that they can say 'Woe is me' or 'Their just aren't any good single ones left' so they don't have to face the truth. Living in denial is much easier than hitting your demons head on. Until they wage that battle and win, they'll continue this cycle."

Well said, my gay Yoda, well said.

Get 'er done....

Dear Tazz13_632,
My husband isn’t as “skilled” sexually as I’d like him to be. Sure, he means well, and he tries hard enough(no pun intended), but what he’s doing just isn’t working for me. What do I do?
Signed,Close, but no cigar.

Dear Close,
If your man isn’t doing it for you, there’s only one person to blame: yourself. See, fucking a pussy(or eating it, for that matter), is like driving a car. No one comes out of the womb knowing how to do it. It’s something you have to learn.

And do you learn to drive a car in a vacuum? No, you don’t. You have a teacher, guiding you along the way. Someone who would teach you where the turn signal was, how to start the engine, how to pump the gas, slam on the break, not to mention how to parallel park. And did you know how to drive that car perfectly after one lesson? No, no you didn’t. It took many lessons, and numerous experiments and failed attempts to get you on the good side of the learning curve. And above all, the instruction occurred over a period of time, during which the student was getting constant feedback, encouragement and progress reports. If something was getting better, then you didn’t worry about it as much. If something needed more attention, you focused on that until you were ready to take that driving test and make it your bitch.
See where I’m going? Your man needs to be educated. You really can’t fault him for not knowing what he’s doing. Most men don’t. Why? Because nobody ever told us how to. Women would rather endure bad or mediocre sex than tell her man it’s not working. (She’ll tell all her friends about it, but that’s another story.) I’m really fascinated by this. There is no male equivalent. If a woman’s not giving a blow job properly, no man on earth will hesitate to tell her what to do to get the job done. Women, just don’t speak up. I’ve been told it’s because they were either raised to not say bad things to people or, because they’re afraid it will bruise the male ego or cause performance issues.Maybe. But you know what would really hurt his feelings or cause performance issues? Finding out that he’s not doing it for you in the wrong way, like from one of your friends, or you telling him in a heated argument.
He really does want to give it to you better than anyone, he just needs help. See, many men think they are God’s gift to the vagina, when they’re anything but. Why? Because women have told them so. Men have been hoodwinked, bamboozled. Hell! We didn’t land on Plymouth Rock, Plymouth Rock landed on us! Maybe, not, but you get the point. If you tell us we’re good, we’ll believe you, even though you might be saying it to make us feel better, but it’s not making anything better, it’s just setting us up for a fall.

It’s harder for men than women anyway. Learn to suck one dick, you can suck ‘em all. But a vagina is not so simple. What makes one woman multi-orgasmic will make another one yawn to death from boredom. So every time a guy is with a woman, he’s having to relearn everything and figure out what gets this one off, because she’s not saying and quite often, she doesn’t know herself. That’s a huge problem. Women really need to be able to communicate to their partners what they want and don’t want in the bedroom, and they can’t do that if they don’t know what that is. The best lover I have ever had was the best simply because she knew exactly what it took to get her off, and was very helpful in showing me the best way to do that for her. So many women just expect men to “figure it out” and that’s sad in my opinion. You deserve to be happy and great sex and lots of orgasms certainly is a part of anyone’s happiness, in my opinion. It’s a non issue for guys. We get both of those every time, but women, not so much. And it’s a HUGE misconception that you can’t talk about this with guys. You can, and they want you to, it’s just a matter of how to properly broach the subject.

How do you do that, you say? Simple. After a love making session, say “That was hot, but you know what would be REALLY, REALLY hot? If we did…” then fill in the blank. That’s the proper way of giving constructive sexual feedback to a man, because it doesn’t come off as an attack, and it’s not just saying “You’re doing it wrong!” it says “This is how I want you to do it instead, and it’ll be way hotter for both of us.” I know many women have neither the time nor the inclination to teach a man how to work the baby maker, but I can assure you, it is your most sacred obligation to women everywhere. And don’t think he’ll figure it out eventually.

Why? Because obviously we won’t, or we would have. And frankly, I think if you don’t educate your man on the ways of women, you are doing a disservice to women everywhere. Why? Because, you and your man probably won’t be together forever. It’s a fact. He’s going to move on after it’s over, again, and he will probably perpetuate the vicious cycle of bad/mediocre sex until some brave woman sits him down and teaches him how to do it properly, because that’s the only way your man, or any other will ever learn.

Are we just fuckbuddies or could we be more?

Dear Tazz13_632,

For guys, what is it that determines whether a girl is just a hook up or possibly more than that? let's say they're casual friends, and there is a bit of sexual chemistry/tension there, is there any way/anything she can do so that she doesn't completely just go into "just sex" territory?

Signed,

Wants to get more than just “Some.”

Dear Ms. Some,

Wow! This is an excellent question, and probably the most difficult one I’ll ever answer. It’s tricky because there is no universal consensus on the subject. Every guy has his own way of dealing with this issue, so I’ll have to be more general than usual.

Let’s start with the old adage “There are girls you marry, and there are girls you fuck.” Many guys have this philosophy. It’s almost like if they pick up a girl at a bar, take her home and have sex with her; it’s a purely sexual relationship, often by design. Have I heard of men seriously dating women they’ve slept quickly slept with? Yes. Not much. It almost seems like most guys want to so their oats and have great sex, and then when they get married, they assume that their lives are over and so are the opportunities to have great sex. That’s not true, but marriage is another column.

It’s probably true that if you’re interested in a guy, he’s probably already interested on some level and may have decided what kind of relationship he wants with you. If he has, then their really isn’t much you can do to change it. If he wants to just hook up and you want a relationship, you have two choices: his way or the highway. I say that for your own good. If you want something different than he does, and you’re both aware of that, why keep seeing each other? It can only get one or both people hurt. It’s best in the long run to just walk away.

But how do you know where you sit with him? Easiest way is to ask him flat out. Say “Look, I like you, you like me, but I want to know where we stand. I need you to honestly tell me your feelings about us, so I can decide how I want to proceed. No answer is wrong, and I won’t judge you, as long as you’re totally honest with me.” This is a win-win for you. It puts the ball back in your court, because when you say that, it should take the pressure off and he can tell you where he thinks you two stand together. That way, you both can make the decision.

How does he make the decision? Well, it’s hard to say. Everyone has their own thought process. If you live far away or have crazy schedules, it’s probably just going to be a booty generating scenario. But if he introduces you to his friends, you get invited to his place and not just yours, if he takes you out to a real dinner date before banging you, he takes you to his favorite places, all those are signs that you may be on the road to something more. But it doesn’t always mean that. These things can be a part of the courtship process, or maybe he really just wants to nail you, and happens to be a gentleman about it. It’s really hard to know. The only way to know is to ask.

Going to the chapel....NOT!

Dear Tazz13_632

I really want my boyfriend of five years to propose. Every time we talk about marriage, he changes the subject. Why is he so afraid of commitment?

Signed,

Commitment Junkie115

Dear CJ115.

First off, great question. There are a lot of misconceptions about men’s attitudes regarding this issue. Let me start off by shattering the mother of all misconceptions about the subject.

MEN ARE NOT AFRAID OF COMMITMENT, WE ARE AFRAID OF ENTRAPMENT.

Keep reading that sentence until it sinks in. Because that’s what we’re talking about here. Entrapment. You are trying to force, cajole, manipulate and or extort a proposal of marriage. I’m sorry, but in my opinion, that’s really fucked up. This is the kind of shit that scares the hell out of men, and is one of the main reasons we try to avoid it. Because we really don’t want to be controlled or manipulated. Now if we really wanted to avoid that, we’d avoid women all together, but let’s be honest, we love pussy too much, and are only other option is to go gay, and dudes are smelly, hair and dirty.

If you really want a man to marry you, you can’t force him. All you can do is be the kind of girl that he would want to spend the rest of his life with. But let’s say you are his dream girl, and everything in the relationship is perfect, and you’re really wondering why he’s just not as excited about the idea of walking down the aisle as you are. Well, there are many possible reasons that could cause a guy to feel that way. So here they are in no particular order:

1. He doesn’t want to get married.

Some of us, just frankly aren’t interested. Just that simple. Some don’t want to stop sleeping around; some don’t want to get tied down, etc. Whatever the reason, there are some guy who flat out, just aren’t interested. I myself fall into this category. I simply do not believe in it. I never have, despite the fact that my parents have been happily married for over 30 years. While I reserve the right to change my opinion later, as of now I simply don’t get the concept. Why? That brings us to reason #2 on our list.

2. There is no logical reason for a man to get married. EVER.

Disclaimer: I am not trying to piss on anyone’s religious beliefs. If you believe that the bible or whatever other religious texts says you should get married, I can respect that.

But honestly, think about it. Marriage is an institution that favors women. Poppycock, you say? Think about it. Women only want one partner, someone to grow old with and make babies, and they also need him to stick around. They also need someone to help provide for them as well as raise their family. But they also know that there are a lot of women out there and it

what does marriage offer men? Nothing, so far as I can tell. I’m not anti-LTR’s, far from it. I just don’t get marred, and most guys don’t either. It’s like if you want a partner, get one. If you want to live with her, great. Spend the rest of your life with her? I think that’s awesome. Have kids? Sounds good to me! Bur marriage? No way. The whole institution seems so sexist to me, especially divorce and child custody. Try being a man and getting sole custody of your kids, or try being a guy and getting divorced without being taken to the cleaners. Sounds cynical, you say? Look at the divorce rates and say that to me.

3. The ceremony sucks for guys

No guy wants to go through the ceremony, even ones that want to get married. You’re treated like an idiot, an afterthought, a mere accessory or excuse to have the ceremony. And it’s basically true. The wedding day is a day most women spent their whole lives fantasizing about. They’ve spent their entire lives planning every conceivable detail in their heads, and her future husbands’ input is not welcome, even if he has some. He usually doesn’t, not because he doesn’t have opinions, but because he knows they’re not welcome.

4. Women try and change us.

Many, a woman marry her husband with the idea that he’s some fixer upper. She has a laundry list of things about us she doesn’t like and intends to change. Our appearance, our friends, our jobs, our hobbies, you name it. This begs the question: If you didn’t like those things about him, why did you marry his sorry ass in the first place?

5. Women change themselves.

Every man who marries a woman does so hoping she’ll never change at all. See, we feel like if you change your attitudes, appearance, etc, it’s a bait and switch type deal. A man will say “Hey! That’s not what I paid two months salary for! You can’t go changing on me!” He’s got a point, but it’s far too late.

Worse than that is the attitude most women take to their husbands. They don’t seem to appreciate him like they used to, and often seem down right disgusted with their husbands. They will scold them, treat them like kids, micromanage or manipulate them. Not all of this is their faults. Some guys let them selves go when they marry. Other women simply fall prey to the old adage about marriage: the thing that attracts you to a person when you’re single and dating instantly begins to piss you off the second you get married. Sad, but true.

6. The sex changes, and not for the better.

I remember asking my near and dear female friend, Ms X (in the spirit of chivalry) what she likes most about being married, and she quickly replied “Not having to give blow jobs anymore.” I was floored by this, even more so when I talked to married friends of both genders who confirmed that this is the case, more often than not.

I find this horrifying. And confusing. If your if the man you married suddenly stop treating you with respect or, if he because abusive, you wouldn’t think twice about being pissed off at him for these behaviors, and rightly so. But you think nothing of withholding the sex acts that were one of the reasons he fell for you in the first place. I remember talking to a guy friend of mine, after he got engaged to his now wife. I asked him, “How do you know she’s the one?” He rattled off an impressive list of qualities: we’re best friends, she smart, she’s funny, I want to grow old with her, and she gives the best blow jobs I’ve ever had. I seriously put her BJ’s up against anyone’s. They’re porn star good.” Cut to: five years later, I talked to him recently, and when I asked how the BJ’s were, and said “Nonexistent. I’m married remember?”

It’s a two way street ladies, if you want him to keep doing the things that made you fall in love with him after you two get married, you need to be the super freaky nympho that you were when you two were just dating.

7. Infidelity

No, they don’t want to cheat. Men are far more loyal than they often seem. It used to be that men were the ones who cheated. Now it seems that women have taken their quest for equality to the infidelity arena. Now, men and women cheat for different reasons, it’s true. Men cheat, often because they can, or they want variety, women cheat if their needs aren’t being met. When Men cheat, they’re really stupid, about it. They always cheat with someone who knows their wives and it always gets found out. Women, when they cheat, it never gets found out. They know when to do it, and how to act so that the suspicion never arises in their man’s minds. No change in behavior, no nothing. They could be doing it with the guy next door and you’d never know about it.

This scares many men. I know most women are highly faithful creatures, but not all are, just as not all men are. Infidelity among “life partners” is a trait that extends through every species in the animal kingdom. Every guy I know has either been cheated on and not seen it coming until she left him for the other dude, or has a friend who has been cheated on. So you may need to reassure him that you’re not that type of girl.

8. He’s afraid you’ll tell your girlfriends everything.

This is probably the dumbest of all the fears about marriage, because it’s the one you know the answer to. WOMEN TELL EACH OTHER EVERYTHING. Including everything about their man, including: his penis size, his sexual prowess, etc. They tell each other everything because that’s how they bond. Guys aren’t the same. We don’t talk much, and when we do we take the things that are said to us to the grave. We can’t relate to the situation. A lot of are afraid you tell things about us to your friends, especially the male ones, things about us that we don’t want them to know.

So, knowing all this, how can you get him to marry you? You can't really. All you can do is be the kind of person he’d be crazy not to. If he's not smart enough to realize, you're the one, then he's not the one for you and you should move on.

Why doesn't my ex boyfriend want to stay friends?

Dear Tazz13_632,

I recently broke up with my boyfriend, but I still want to stay friends with him, and he said he was cool with that, but he never returns my calls or emails. Why is that?

Signed,

Friend-less.

Dear Friend-less,

This is a complicated question, one that illustrates the differences between men, and honestly, it’s probably one of those issues that can never really be understood by either gender, but I’ll try and explain to you the guy perspective, on the dreaded “Let’s just be friends” or LJBF.

No guy EVER wants to hear a woman say this. Why? Good question. Many women seem to feel it’s simply a case of male immaturity. That it we were “real men” we would want to stay friends with our x’s.

How do I respond? With one word: BULLSHIT.

To a guy that’s all LJBF is. As far as we’re concerned it’s something a girl says to make herself feel better about dumping the guy, and/or let him down easy.

And if he’s lucky, it really is just a way to let him down easy, and the phone call ends there. Some aren’t though. Often a woman will keep going, and say that she still wants to hang out and do all the fun things that she did with him when they were still dating. This is really fucked up. It’s like telling him that you don’t want to date/screw/love him,but you are willing to let him wine dine and entertain you, and you ladies act as if that’s some sort of gift or priviledge that we men should some home be grateful or excited for. Like you expect us to say “Hot damn! I get to spend all that time and money on her so she can have something to do when she’s not off searching for some other guy! Oh, lord where do I sign?” See how it sounds, ladies? It feels you’re lying or using us. Why not just come out and say “You can’t give me what I’m looking for, so it’s over.” You seem to think LJBF makes us feel better, that the truth. It doesn’t.

I could never figure out why women did this. That is, until watching a Chris Rock HBO special where he literally said “LJBF is a woman’s way of keeping your dick in a glass case with a sign on it that says ‘In case of emergency, break open and use this.’”

Now I don’t know if I’d go that far, but I think you get the point. It’s a known fact that women use manipulation to get what they want, especially from men. So why does she want to keep the guy around? Simple. Because she might need him for something. Could be sex, a free dinner, entertainment, or maybe she wants to keep her options open with the guy in case she can’t find anyone else to hang out with.

So why does he not want to be your friend? Why should he? See, if he went out with you, there was romantic, not plutonic interest there. If you kissed, had sex, etc, there was at some point MUTUAL romantic interest. For what ever reason, you ended the relationship, probably for completely legit reasons. You still like him on some level and you want to keep him in your life. But you can’t have him. Doesn’t work that way.Think about it: what’s in it for him? Sounds cold, but can you really answer that question? You probably can’t.

“Not all guys are like that!” You say. “I have a sister’s cousin’s, niece’s manicurist and she totally stayed friends with her boyfriend after they broke up!” You say, as if to disprove my theory. Do guys stay friends with their ex’s. NO. Some pretend to. Why?:

1. They still have a thing for their ex and stick around, hoping that she’ll dump that guy she’s with and he’ll get back together with her.
2. It looks good to other women.
3. They’re hoping that if they stay friends with the ex, they can get with her hot friend/sister, etc.

I would say that 90% of the time, when a guy stays friends with the ex, it’s because of reason #1. Sad, isn’t it?

Still don’t get it? When you two were dating that guy it was fun, but it wasn’t fun for the sake of fun, it was for the sake of courtship. I think most guys have more than enough female friends, and if he wanted to be friends with you, he wouldn’t have asked you out on a date. And in a guy’s mind, change is never good. So if you started out as boyfriend and girlfriend, or were heading that way, you can’t just say, LJBF, because in his mind he’s like “Hey! That’s not what I signed up for!” As far as we’re concerned, relationships either end or keep going, they don’t go LJBF.

Why can’t he just be friends and you can? Women are different. They start mentally divorcing themselves from the relationship LONG before they ever actually pull the plug, and they do this with no discernable difference in their behavior. They’ll still sleep with the guy if they’ve been doing that, keep showing up at his important functions and still seem to be loving and supportive. So when the breakup happens, either the guy never sees it coming, or if he’ll wonder why it ended so “suddenly.” But the signs are always there, and it never ends suddenly. She was just taking her time to make sure that when she made the decision, she would be fine with it and never go back to him, but all of this just hits a guy like a baseball bat to the face when it happens, and he’s usually cool with it, that is until you bust out the LJBF, which is really like giving the guy a paper cut on his scrotum and then pouring lemon juice on it.

If you like the guy, it’s really best to just move on and leave him alone, so you can both find what your looking for. Now, I’m not saying you should cut your ex’s out of your lives completely (but I do it anyway. Kidding.) As a matter of fact I believe you should always try and end your relationships on the best possible terms. And I’m not opposed to staying in touch via myspace or email. But hanging out with them, going to movies, and doing all the fun stuff when you were dating? Sorry ladies, It’s not happening. Why? That’s selfish of you to ask that of him. You can’t have his cake and eat it too. It just doesn’t work that way.

To Clean or Not to Clean.

Dear Male Pig,

Why don't they clean? They seem to clean when they are single, but I have had the burden now in 3 marriages to be the one to do all the cleaning. Is it conditioning to believe it's the woman's job? Even down to the refusal to pick up dirty socks from the floor.

Dear Man Hating Feminist (I say with tongue planted firmly in cheek),

This is one of the trickier questions I have answered. Millions of women in American are afflicted by the disease known as Male Pattern Slovliness (MPS). MPS suffers have symptoms such as: increased contempt for and a decreased desire to have sex with their men. Not accidentally, many stores that sell batteries near homes where women are suffering from MPS report that they can not keep the items in stock. However, Vibrator repair shops in the area are BOOMING.

Now, there are many possible answers and, most likely it’s a combination of two or more reasons. So let’s get started, shall we?

REASON ONE: He doesn’t do that stuff.

It’s pretty easy to see if this one applies to your man or not. All you have to do is ask yourself one simple question: How cleanly was he when he was single? If your man’s bachelor pad looked like a pig style, then you should probably just give up the fight. If he wasn’t clean, then, he won’t be clean now. Period. But if his place made Martha Stewart’ place look like a fucking pig style, well then you’ve got a problem. And it may be related to the following reason.

REASON TWO: He just isn’t trying to impress you anymore.

This is one of the more common causes of MPS. 99.9% of men are under the impression that the courtship process stops the second he says “I do.” Cleaning stuff is one of those things men are all too happy to do when they’re single and trying to get in your pants. However, when they marry you and can get into your pants any time they want (or more accurately, if they THINK they can), they stop doing the things that made you want to fuck and marry them in the first place. This is a fascinating topic, like astrophysics. And like astrophysics, the discussion of that topic will be saved for another day.

The point being, you man, for whatever reason has stopped trying to impress you. Don’t get mad. He may not even know he’s done this. It can happen gradually. See, one of the things men like about marriage is they don’t have to pretend anymore, they can be exactly who they are around you, as crass, smelly, vulgar and clueless as they want to be. Don’t feel bad. That’s why they love you. It’s the real reason that they’ll never leave. Not because they can’t find someone else, they can. They just don’t think they can find someone else who’s foolish enough to put up with all their shit. Literally and figuratively.

REASON THREE: His mom did that, and he thinks/expects you to do it too.

This is one flaw that I freely admit to. I was spoiled, in that Mom, pretty much did everything. (Could you resist this face? Of course not.) Cooking, cleaning, driving me places, you name it. I, not knowing otherwise, thought this was the norm, and continued to think so for many years. How could I, you say? How could I not? Is my retort. All I had were male roommates after male roommates, fraternity brothers, friends, random guys I picked up off craigslist (I think I may share that tendency with more than a few of my female readers). I simply had no idea, mainly because everyone assumed I should “know better” and never bothered to educate me otherwise. But eventually, I did learn.

How? Simple. I moved in with a woman and five minutes after I moved in she told me that she could tell I’d never lived with a woman before. I said that I lived with my mother, and she replied she’s not a woman, she’s your mother. I realized that she was right.

Mom is not a woman. Mom is a mom. Moms don’t see the pig in front of them, rather they see the angelic baby they gave birth to, all while still ignoring the obvious fact that every baby looks like Winston Churchill(it’s true. Again, though, another article).

So, how do I fix this, you may ask? Well, you can’t. Like the Morpheus, you can only show your Neo the door. How do you do that you say?

OPTION ONE: Bribery.

Most men want three things. FOOD AND SEX AND BEER. Ideally, at the same time. Try bribing him with “If you clean your room and keep it clean from now on, I will let you fuck me and my sister at the same time, while eating a buffet off the ass of your favorite playmate and while wearing/drinking from a beer hat, stocked with your favorite brew!” not comfortable with the incest laden three way? Don’t know any playmates? Never heard of a beer hat? No problem. Just sit him down and say:

“I really wish you would clean more around the house. Having to do all of the work really makes me tired, and being tired all time kills my sex drive.” Don’t think that will work, then literally say “I will stop fucking you until stop being a pig.” Or try positive reinforcement like “I’ll let you fuck me in the ass twice a week if you start to do the following household chores without fail.”

OPTION TWO: call his mom.

Yes, it’s kind of a bitch move. Okay, “kind of” a bitch move is like saying Paris Hilton “kind of” had a few lapses in judgment, but she’s all better now. It may be cruel, and he may hate you for it, but it’s not. Because, all you’re doing initially is asking advice, and seeing if he ever did that stuff in the first place. Ask if his dad did his share of the household stuff, too. That will provide additional insight.

Hopefully, if you’re still reading this, you know I’m joking. This would be really bad for you to do, and would only strain the marriage, which is bad, unless you’re trying to get your man to break up with you. If that’s your goal, go for it, then call me when you’re free.

OPTION THREE: Tell him what to do.

It’s not enough to tell a man, “You’re doing it wrong.” You have to tell him how to do it right. Tell him “you’re not cleaning the bathroom, and I think you should at least twice a week and I want you to use this cleaner and here, let me show you how I want it done.” Is that bossy? Yes, but what woman isn’t? (Kidding. Sort of.) It’s all in how you do it. If you are constructive and honest and direct and very relaxed and calm about it, it could have a good chance of success. The key is not to come off stern or motherly.

OPTION FOUR: Ignore it.

This is the most popular option out there it seems. Ladies Choice I like to call it. The conventional wisdom says that “we’ll he’s either clueless, or uninterested in changing, so I’m not going to tell him how I feel. I will, however, tell most of the free world what a bum he is and pleasure myself with a vibrator while he jerks off in the bathroom, because I’m no longer attracted due to him, because the loss of attraction in the relationship is “normal” and nothing can be done.”

Personally, I don’t understand this last option, but I’m not here to judge. Feel free to try any one of the four options, or a combo of several. And remember, don’t expect him to know or get where you’re coming from without you telling him as many times and ways as it takes for him to get it. Because if he already knew, you wouldn’t be having this problem.

Welcome

To the first posting of what I like to call "Dicks in the City." What is that, you ask? Well, I envision this column being to men what "Sex and the City" was to women.

Still don't know what that means? Well, here's the idea: I am a man. At least, that's what 3 out of5 dentists say. And I am the guy that every woman I know comes to when they want to have the mind of a man explained to them. So if you've ever wondered: "Why did he do that?" Or "What does it mean when he said that?" Just ask me, and I'll answer. Truthfully, honestly, and no bullshit.

Why am I betraying my brethren? Simple: I am doing it for their own good. Too many men are in bad relationships, situations, etc., simply because their women or the women around them misinterpret their thoughts, words and actions. You can't apply girl logic to boys, just like boys can't apply logic to women(trick question: women don't USE logic, but I digress.)

The point is men view the world in a way that women do not, and that viewpoint is the prism through which we filter reality, just as women do the same. But unlike with women, there is no man out there accurately trying to bridge the communication gap and tell it like it is to women. All the other bloggers, headshrinkers and Dr. Phils of the world are often biased against men.

I'm not saying men don't do stupid shit. We do. But if you knew where we were coming from, and how we got there, well, I think it's safe to say that the world would be a better place. Hence this column. For years, I'd had the idea, but never done it. I was waiting for someone else to come forward. They didn't. Hear I am.

My first column will be posted soon, but for now, I say to you, ladies of the world, ask me that which you are dying to know about men. If I like your question, I'll answer it. Deal? Of course it is.