Communication gap

Dear Tazz,

Why don’t men communicate? I can’t seem to get my boyfriend to open up about anything. Don’t men talk about their feelings?

Signed,

Frustrated.



Dear Frustrated,

I understand your frustration, and I’m here to help. Is it un reasonable to expect your man to bear his soul to you? No. Do men have feelings, dreams, hopes, desires, etc? Yes. Do they talk about them? Yes. See? That’s the good news. We just don’t do it as often or as well as you do. That’s the bad news.

But why is that? Well, it’s not that simple, but here are a few reasons.

REASON 1) We are designed that way.

In the book “Sex on the Brain” the author , Dr. Amen, M.D. discusses this issue at length and the answer comes down to the way our brains are built. Two thirds of a man’s brain is devoted to the “left” brain. It is the side of the brain that deals with things like logic, reason, hunting, gathering, etc. The other third is the “right” brain, the side that deals with emotions, communicating, etc. While we do talk, cry, convey our feelings, etc, we are ruled by our left brain which deals with logic, cold hard facts and the hunting/gathering/providing we have been tasked with since the beginning of time.

The female brain is the exact opposite. The emotional, nurturing, communicative “right” side of the brain occupies two thirds of her cranial real estate, while the logical, “left” side of the brain occupies the other third. This means that women are designed to talk, emote and communicate in a way that men are simply not, thus proving that God has a sick sense of humor

Reason 2) We’re not in game shape.

Think about it this way. If you start working out today, are you going to be in swimsuit shape tomorrow? No. You’re not (PS. I don’t think you look fat. You totally look hot in that outfit.) It takes work to build the body you want.

The same is true here. Women aren’t born knowing how to use their innate communication abilities. They have to work at it, same as guys, but unlike guys, ladies have been flexing and training this muscle for YEARS, and by the time the an adult woman finds a guy and settles down with her, she’s ready for the world series of communicating that is a relationship.

Men, however, don’t really start communicating until they get into relationships. Why? There’s no need to, really. We don’t have to communicate with each other in the way you do. Let’s say a guy went out on a date with a woman. A conversation might go like this:

Man 1: How was the date?
Man 2: Fine
Man 1: Did you get some?
Man 2: Yup.
They high five.
Man 1: Let’s go shoot some hoops/watch the game/drink beer/whatever.
End of conversation.

See? We talk about things, we just don’t dissect them, like you do. So when you want to start talking about our feelings, don’t get frustrated if you don’t get a great, long winded oration in response. We’re simply trying to flex a muscle that has been ignored or underused, and expecting your man to perform on the same level as you is like expecting Steve Erkel challenge a bodybuilder to an arm wrestling contest and win . It will take time for us to get to your level on this issue. Be patient. And encouraging.

Reason 3) We don’t want you telling anyone else.

If Sex and the City taught me anything, it’s that women tell their girlfriends EVERYTHING. A woman’s girlfriends know everything about her and if she has a man in her life, they know everything about him too, good and bad. This means EVERYTHING. This is really terrifying to the most secure of guys, even though most women mean no harm when they dish with the girls.

Why? Most men have what I call “the Godfather mentality” meaning we’re all about one thing and one thing only. RESPECT. That means many things, not the least of which is:

YOU DON’T RAT OUT YOUR FRIENDS. PERIOD. NO EXECPTIONS.

When we tell someone one of our deepest darkest secrets, we do so with the understanding that the person listening to said information will take it to the grave. The idea that you would tell your girlfriends that which was said in confidence to you is, in our minds a huge betrayal, and that’s something we just can’t stand. In our minds, if you loved us, you wouldn’t do that. Don’t try explaining, for in the mind of a man, everything is clear cut right or wrong, and to us, this is always wrong. We’re not willing to change our position on the issue any more than you are willing to withhold the goods from your girls. Just be aware how we feel and know you can win major points with a man when you say “I won’t tell the girls that” or “this will stay just between us, no matter what” and you may get him comfortable enough to open up even more. We know you and the girls are a package deal. Just know if we knew how much you told the girls, we’d probably bolt.

Why don’t we? This is one of the practical applications of the word denial. We simply don’t know or refuse to believe the truth. If we did, abstinence rates would go through the roof(either than or homosexuality among men would, lol).

I hope these insight helps you, Miss Frustrated. Your man is capable of it. Just be patient. The average man speaks 7,000 words a day. The average woman speaks 20,000 a day! So it’s going to take a while. You’re going to have to be okay with the role of sensei on this one. It won’t happen overnight. And be sure to offer praise and encouragement. After all, if he’s willing to try and re-wire his brain to make you happy, he’s gotta be a keeper, right?