To Clean or Not to Clean.

Dear Male Pig,

Why don't they clean? They seem to clean when they are single, but I have had the burden now in 3 marriages to be the one to do all the cleaning. Is it conditioning to believe it's the woman's job? Even down to the refusal to pick up dirty socks from the floor.

Dear Man Hating Feminist (I say with tongue planted firmly in cheek),

This is one of the trickier questions I have answered. Millions of women in American are afflicted by the disease known as Male Pattern Slovliness (MPS). MPS suffers have symptoms such as: increased contempt for and a decreased desire to have sex with their men. Not accidentally, many stores that sell batteries near homes where women are suffering from MPS report that they can not keep the items in stock. However, Vibrator repair shops in the area are BOOMING.

Now, there are many possible answers and, most likely it’s a combination of two or more reasons. So let’s get started, shall we?

REASON ONE: He doesn’t do that stuff.

It’s pretty easy to see if this one applies to your man or not. All you have to do is ask yourself one simple question: How cleanly was he when he was single? If your man’s bachelor pad looked like a pig style, then you should probably just give up the fight. If he wasn’t clean, then, he won’t be clean now. Period. But if his place made Martha Stewart’ place look like a fucking pig style, well then you’ve got a problem. And it may be related to the following reason.

REASON TWO: He just isn’t trying to impress you anymore.

This is one of the more common causes of MPS. 99.9% of men are under the impression that the courtship process stops the second he says “I do.” Cleaning stuff is one of those things men are all too happy to do when they’re single and trying to get in your pants. However, when they marry you and can get into your pants any time they want (or more accurately, if they THINK they can), they stop doing the things that made you want to fuck and marry them in the first place. This is a fascinating topic, like astrophysics. And like astrophysics, the discussion of that topic will be saved for another day.

The point being, you man, for whatever reason has stopped trying to impress you. Don’t get mad. He may not even know he’s done this. It can happen gradually. See, one of the things men like about marriage is they don’t have to pretend anymore, they can be exactly who they are around you, as crass, smelly, vulgar and clueless as they want to be. Don’t feel bad. That’s why they love you. It’s the real reason that they’ll never leave. Not because they can’t find someone else, they can. They just don’t think they can find someone else who’s foolish enough to put up with all their shit. Literally and figuratively.

REASON THREE: His mom did that, and he thinks/expects you to do it too.

This is one flaw that I freely admit to. I was spoiled, in that Mom, pretty much did everything. (Could you resist this face? Of course not.) Cooking, cleaning, driving me places, you name it. I, not knowing otherwise, thought this was the norm, and continued to think so for many years. How could I, you say? How could I not? Is my retort. All I had were male roommates after male roommates, fraternity brothers, friends, random guys I picked up off craigslist (I think I may share that tendency with more than a few of my female readers). I simply had no idea, mainly because everyone assumed I should “know better” and never bothered to educate me otherwise. But eventually, I did learn.

How? Simple. I moved in with a woman and five minutes after I moved in she told me that she could tell I’d never lived with a woman before. I said that I lived with my mother, and she replied she’s not a woman, she’s your mother. I realized that she was right.

Mom is not a woman. Mom is a mom. Moms don’t see the pig in front of them, rather they see the angelic baby they gave birth to, all while still ignoring the obvious fact that every baby looks like Winston Churchill(it’s true. Again, though, another article).

So, how do I fix this, you may ask? Well, you can’t. Like the Morpheus, you can only show your Neo the door. How do you do that you say?

OPTION ONE: Bribery.

Most men want three things. FOOD AND SEX AND BEER. Ideally, at the same time. Try bribing him with “If you clean your room and keep it clean from now on, I will let you fuck me and my sister at the same time, while eating a buffet off the ass of your favorite playmate and while wearing/drinking from a beer hat, stocked with your favorite brew!” not comfortable with the incest laden three way? Don’t know any playmates? Never heard of a beer hat? No problem. Just sit him down and say:

“I really wish you would clean more around the house. Having to do all of the work really makes me tired, and being tired all time kills my sex drive.” Don’t think that will work, then literally say “I will stop fucking you until stop being a pig.” Or try positive reinforcement like “I’ll let you fuck me in the ass twice a week if you start to do the following household chores without fail.”

OPTION TWO: call his mom.

Yes, it’s kind of a bitch move. Okay, “kind of” a bitch move is like saying Paris Hilton “kind of” had a few lapses in judgment, but she’s all better now. It may be cruel, and he may hate you for it, but it’s not. Because, all you’re doing initially is asking advice, and seeing if he ever did that stuff in the first place. Ask if his dad did his share of the household stuff, too. That will provide additional insight.

Hopefully, if you’re still reading this, you know I’m joking. This would be really bad for you to do, and would only strain the marriage, which is bad, unless you’re trying to get your man to break up with you. If that’s your goal, go for it, then call me when you’re free.

OPTION THREE: Tell him what to do.

It’s not enough to tell a man, “You’re doing it wrong.” You have to tell him how to do it right. Tell him “you’re not cleaning the bathroom, and I think you should at least twice a week and I want you to use this cleaner and here, let me show you how I want it done.” Is that bossy? Yes, but what woman isn’t? (Kidding. Sort of.) It’s all in how you do it. If you are constructive and honest and direct and very relaxed and calm about it, it could have a good chance of success. The key is not to come off stern or motherly.

OPTION FOUR: Ignore it.

This is the most popular option out there it seems. Ladies Choice I like to call it. The conventional wisdom says that “we’ll he’s either clueless, or uninterested in changing, so I’m not going to tell him how I feel. I will, however, tell most of the free world what a bum he is and pleasure myself with a vibrator while he jerks off in the bathroom, because I’m no longer attracted due to him, because the loss of attraction in the relationship is “normal” and nothing can be done.”

Personally, I don’t understand this last option, but I’m not here to judge. Feel free to try any one of the four options, or a combo of several. And remember, don’t expect him to know or get where you’re coming from without you telling him as many times and ways as it takes for him to get it. Because if he already knew, you wouldn’t be having this problem.