Are we just fuckbuddies or could we be more?

Dear Tazz13_632,

For guys, what is it that determines whether a girl is just a hook up or possibly more than that? let's say they're casual friends, and there is a bit of sexual chemistry/tension there, is there any way/anything she can do so that she doesn't completely just go into "just sex" territory?

Signed,

Wants to get more than just “Some.”

Dear Ms. Some,

Wow! This is an excellent question, and probably the most difficult one I’ll ever answer. It’s tricky because there is no universal consensus on the subject. Every guy has his own way of dealing with this issue, so I’ll have to be more general than usual.

Let’s start with the old adage “There are girls you marry, and there are girls you fuck.” Many guys have this philosophy. It’s almost like if they pick up a girl at a bar, take her home and have sex with her; it’s a purely sexual relationship, often by design. Have I heard of men seriously dating women they’ve slept quickly slept with? Yes. Not much. It almost seems like most guys want to so their oats and have great sex, and then when they get married, they assume that their lives are over and so are the opportunities to have great sex. That’s not true, but marriage is another column.

It’s probably true that if you’re interested in a guy, he’s probably already interested on some level and may have decided what kind of relationship he wants with you. If he has, then their really isn’t much you can do to change it. If he wants to just hook up and you want a relationship, you have two choices: his way or the highway. I say that for your own good. If you want something different than he does, and you’re both aware of that, why keep seeing each other? It can only get one or both people hurt. It’s best in the long run to just walk away.

But how do you know where you sit with him? Easiest way is to ask him flat out. Say “Look, I like you, you like me, but I want to know where we stand. I need you to honestly tell me your feelings about us, so I can decide how I want to proceed. No answer is wrong, and I won’t judge you, as long as you’re totally honest with me.” This is a win-win for you. It puts the ball back in your court, because when you say that, it should take the pressure off and he can tell you where he thinks you two stand together. That way, you both can make the decision.

How does he make the decision? Well, it’s hard to say. Everyone has their own thought process. If you live far away or have crazy schedules, it’s probably just going to be a booty generating scenario. But if he introduces you to his friends, you get invited to his place and not just yours, if he takes you out to a real dinner date before banging you, he takes you to his favorite places, all those are signs that you may be on the road to something more. But it doesn’t always mean that. These things can be a part of the courtship process, or maybe he really just wants to nail you, and happens to be a gentleman about it. It’s really hard to know. The only way to know is to ask.