Going to the chapel....NOT!

Dear Tazz13_632

I really want my boyfriend of five years to propose. Every time we talk about marriage, he changes the subject. Why is he so afraid of commitment?

Signed,

Commitment Junkie115

Dear CJ115.

First off, great question. There are a lot of misconceptions about men’s attitudes regarding this issue. Let me start off by shattering the mother of all misconceptions about the subject.

MEN ARE NOT AFRAID OF COMMITMENT, WE ARE AFRAID OF ENTRAPMENT.

Keep reading that sentence until it sinks in. Because that’s what we’re talking about here. Entrapment. You are trying to force, cajole, manipulate and or extort a proposal of marriage. I’m sorry, but in my opinion, that’s really fucked up. This is the kind of shit that scares the hell out of men, and is one of the main reasons we try to avoid it. Because we really don’t want to be controlled or manipulated. Now if we really wanted to avoid that, we’d avoid women all together, but let’s be honest, we love pussy too much, and are only other option is to go gay, and dudes are smelly, hair and dirty.

If you really want a man to marry you, you can’t force him. All you can do is be the kind of girl that he would want to spend the rest of his life with. But let’s say you are his dream girl, and everything in the relationship is perfect, and you’re really wondering why he’s just not as excited about the idea of walking down the aisle as you are. Well, there are many possible reasons that could cause a guy to feel that way. So here they are in no particular order:

1. He doesn’t want to get married.

Some of us, just frankly aren’t interested. Just that simple. Some don’t want to stop sleeping around; some don’t want to get tied down, etc. Whatever the reason, there are some guy who flat out, just aren’t interested. I myself fall into this category. I simply do not believe in it. I never have, despite the fact that my parents have been happily married for over 30 years. While I reserve the right to change my opinion later, as of now I simply don’t get the concept. Why? That brings us to reason #2 on our list.

2. There is no logical reason for a man to get married. EVER.

Disclaimer: I am not trying to piss on anyone’s religious beliefs. If you believe that the bible or whatever other religious texts says you should get married, I can respect that.

But honestly, think about it. Marriage is an institution that favors women. Poppycock, you say? Think about it. Women only want one partner, someone to grow old with and make babies, and they also need him to stick around. They also need someone to help provide for them as well as raise their family. But they also know that there are a lot of women out there and it

what does marriage offer men? Nothing, so far as I can tell. I’m not anti-LTR’s, far from it. I just don’t get marred, and most guys don’t either. It’s like if you want a partner, get one. If you want to live with her, great. Spend the rest of your life with her? I think that’s awesome. Have kids? Sounds good to me! Bur marriage? No way. The whole institution seems so sexist to me, especially divorce and child custody. Try being a man and getting sole custody of your kids, or try being a guy and getting divorced without being taken to the cleaners. Sounds cynical, you say? Look at the divorce rates and say that to me.

3. The ceremony sucks for guys

No guy wants to go through the ceremony, even ones that want to get married. You’re treated like an idiot, an afterthought, a mere accessory or excuse to have the ceremony. And it’s basically true. The wedding day is a day most women spent their whole lives fantasizing about. They’ve spent their entire lives planning every conceivable detail in their heads, and her future husbands’ input is not welcome, even if he has some. He usually doesn’t, not because he doesn’t have opinions, but because he knows they’re not welcome.

4. Women try and change us.

Many, a woman marry her husband with the idea that he’s some fixer upper. She has a laundry list of things about us she doesn’t like and intends to change. Our appearance, our friends, our jobs, our hobbies, you name it. This begs the question: If you didn’t like those things about him, why did you marry his sorry ass in the first place?

5. Women change themselves.

Every man who marries a woman does so hoping she’ll never change at all. See, we feel like if you change your attitudes, appearance, etc, it’s a bait and switch type deal. A man will say “Hey! That’s not what I paid two months salary for! You can’t go changing on me!” He’s got a point, but it’s far too late.

Worse than that is the attitude most women take to their husbands. They don’t seem to appreciate him like they used to, and often seem down right disgusted with their husbands. They will scold them, treat them like kids, micromanage or manipulate them. Not all of this is their faults. Some guys let them selves go when they marry. Other women simply fall prey to the old adage about marriage: the thing that attracts you to a person when you’re single and dating instantly begins to piss you off the second you get married. Sad, but true.

6. The sex changes, and not for the better.

I remember asking my near and dear female friend, Ms X (in the spirit of chivalry) what she likes most about being married, and she quickly replied “Not having to give blow jobs anymore.” I was floored by this, even more so when I talked to married friends of both genders who confirmed that this is the case, more often than not.

I find this horrifying. And confusing. If your if the man you married suddenly stop treating you with respect or, if he because abusive, you wouldn’t think twice about being pissed off at him for these behaviors, and rightly so. But you think nothing of withholding the sex acts that were one of the reasons he fell for you in the first place. I remember talking to a guy friend of mine, after he got engaged to his now wife. I asked him, “How do you know she’s the one?” He rattled off an impressive list of qualities: we’re best friends, she smart, she’s funny, I want to grow old with her, and she gives the best blow jobs I’ve ever had. I seriously put her BJ’s up against anyone’s. They’re porn star good.” Cut to: five years later, I talked to him recently, and when I asked how the BJ’s were, and said “Nonexistent. I’m married remember?”

It’s a two way street ladies, if you want him to keep doing the things that made you fall in love with him after you two get married, you need to be the super freaky nympho that you were when you two were just dating.

7. Infidelity

No, they don’t want to cheat. Men are far more loyal than they often seem. It used to be that men were the ones who cheated. Now it seems that women have taken their quest for equality to the infidelity arena. Now, men and women cheat for different reasons, it’s true. Men cheat, often because they can, or they want variety, women cheat if their needs aren’t being met. When Men cheat, they’re really stupid, about it. They always cheat with someone who knows their wives and it always gets found out. Women, when they cheat, it never gets found out. They know when to do it, and how to act so that the suspicion never arises in their man’s minds. No change in behavior, no nothing. They could be doing it with the guy next door and you’d never know about it.

This scares many men. I know most women are highly faithful creatures, but not all are, just as not all men are. Infidelity among “life partners” is a trait that extends through every species in the animal kingdom. Every guy I know has either been cheated on and not seen it coming until she left him for the other dude, or has a friend who has been cheated on. So you may need to reassure him that you’re not that type of girl.

8. He’s afraid you’ll tell your girlfriends everything.

This is probably the dumbest of all the fears about marriage, because it’s the one you know the answer to. WOMEN TELL EACH OTHER EVERYTHING. Including everything about their man, including: his penis size, his sexual prowess, etc. They tell each other everything because that’s how they bond. Guys aren’t the same. We don’t talk much, and when we do we take the things that are said to us to the grave. We can’t relate to the situation. A lot of are afraid you tell things about us to your friends, especially the male ones, things about us that we don’t want them to know.

So, knowing all this, how can you get him to marry you? You can't really. All you can do is be the kind of person he’d be crazy not to. If he's not smart enough to realize, you're the one, then he's not the one for you and you should move on.